It's Over :-(

It has taken me a while to be able to update my blog with the result of the blood test. I couldn't bring myself to relive the moment.

Needless to say, it was a BIG FAT NEGATIVE!!!!!

DH and I were in shock. After 3 positive home tests, that was certainly not the result we were expecting. We went in all hopeful and left there absolutely crushed.

After lot of tears and a few emotionally draining talks, we have decided to put baby making on the back burner for now and instead just learn to enjoy our marriage and each other again. It's been a long stressful year for us and it's time to just enjoy being healthy and ALIVE!!!

I have 2 days left at work and then I am off for 3 weeks for our annual shutdown. I cannot wait to just relax on the beach, get some sun and fresh air and spend lots of time with our family.

Next year will be a fresh start for us...

I cannot wait to see what the future holds. I promise to never again let my life be totally consumed by my intense desire to have a baby and be a mother. I have so many amazing people in my life. People who make everything I do so much more meaningful. I am a very lucky girl and honestly, if I am not destined to have children, it won't make my life any less meaningful. I am leaving it in God's hands. He will do what's right for us.

If there is one important thing that I have learnt from all this, it's that no matter what we do, WE HAVE NO CONTROL!!!! Whatever will be will be...

I am such a weakling!!!!

I have never been the most patient person in the world and the two week wait to get the result of this IVF cycle was seriously killing me, so, I decided to Pee on a Stick (POAS).

Thursday morning was the first test I did. Sadly it was a big fat negative (BFN). Surprisingly, I wasn't too phased because I thought it might still be too early for a home pregnancy test(HPT) to pick up anything. Friday morning, same thing (BFN), and by now I was starting to get worried.

It was my mum's birthday on Fri, and my entire family was here from PMB so we decided to give her a surprise party. It was such a fantastic night. Everybody had tons of fun and most importantly, they managed to take my mind off that mornings result.

My sister has a 3 month old daughter and when we were chatting, before she came up to JHB, she mentioned that she still had a HPT with her from when she was testing in January. Of course I told to her bring it with her and on Saturday morning I tested again.

This time I got a very feint second line. I immediately called her upstairs to have a look, just to make sure I was not seeing things or imagining the second line. She saw it too. I wanted to get excited but just couldn't...not yet. I even decided to not tell my DH as I didn't want to get his hopes up until I, myself, was sure.

Sunday was excruciating. I was dying to test again but had no more HPT's with me. Later that afternoon, we went to fetch my mum from my cousin's place, and bring her home with us, and I managed to convince DH to take me to the pharmacy.

We walked over to the tests and lo and behold there it was, I couldn't believe it....The Clearblue digital home pregnancy test. I just told DH abt it a few months earlier but couldn't find it anywhere. It was quite popular amongst the American girls and so I was thrilled to finally get one of my very own.

Because I knew I wouldn't be able to wait until the next morning I also bought a regular Clearblue test, just for good measure...LOL

Back home and straight upstairs. Would you believe, there it was again...a feint second line but definitely darker than the day before. This time I took it downstairs and showed it to DH and my mum. They both could see the second line. My hands started shaking like a leaf. Once again there was this feeling of excitement trying to rear it's head while doubt kinda pushed it back down again. I could see that DH felt the same way. I guess we were just protecting ourselves from getting hurt and after all that we had just been through, nobody could really blame us.

What I was looking forward to, however, was the digital test the next morning. There would be no wondering if it is a second line or if you are seeing things. It would be clear as day "PREGNANT" or "NOT PREGNANT".

That night I hardly slept. I was so anxious and kept waking up at all hours checking the time, anxiously awaiting 5am when my alarm would go off and it would be time to test. When it finally did go off, I was out of bed like a flash of lightning. Straight into the bathroom and away we gooooo...

I must have been in there like 1 minute when DH shouts from the bedroom "What's the result?". That's when I knew he was as nervous as I was...LOL

3 minutes later I looked over and there it was "PREGNANT 1-2" (Meaning 1-2 weeks) which they say would be calculated as 3-4 weeks by a doctor, based on a 28 day cycle.

I couldn't believe my eyes. I went straight out to DH and showed it to him. He was smiling from ear to ear. It was the most surreal moment in my life.

Funny enough, even after all that, I still spent the rest of the day looking for reassurance and wondering if this was really happening to us.

Tomorrow morning we go for our blood test and then we will know for sure. No more questions...we will be 110% sure.

1 more sleep and our lives could change forever!!!!!

The Eagles have landed :-)

Tuesday morning, once again, we were at Vitalab bright and early. We were so excited that sitting in the waiting room for 15 minutes felt like an eternity.


Finally we were ushered into Dr J's office where we sat and discussed our embryo's and the procedure. Dr J assured us that we had two perfect embryo's. One was already divided to 8 cells and the other 9 cells so he was quite pleased. He showed us pics and even e-mailed me a copy.


8 CELL EMBRYO





9 CELL EMBRYO

He went on to explain that the embryo's are in a little casing. He said that by Thurs or Fri they would have split to 120 cell and that is when they break out of this casing and implant. The next step was to go downstairs to the theatre and fill up my bladder.


Now this was a mission. I was so anxious to go in and get this done that I drank the first 3 glasses in record time. The problem with this was my tummy got really full and I started to feel nauseous. I told the nurse that I felt like my bladder was full so in we went. I lay on the table, hubby by my side, and the nurse put a cold gel onto my tummy. Then she did an ultrasound and only to find that my bladder was NOT full enough and I needed to drink more. She said that I did't need to drink too much more because the other water is probably still filtering through to my bladder...LOL


Back to the waiting room and one more glass was all I could manage before I really felt the need to Wee. So, off to the theatre we go and this time she says it is perfect. Nice and full.


I cannot even explain how uncomfortable I was. Dr J started the procedure by inserting a catheter into the uterus. The lab staff then bring the embryo's through in another softer catheter and insert it through the one already there. DH and I are told to watch the screen closely as the embryo's are injected. There was a bright flash and that was it. My potential children were inside me, safe and sound. The lab staff then put the catheter under a microsope to make sure nobody got left behind.




I had to go back to waiting room now and sit there for 10minutes with an extremely full bladder. Seriously??? I didn't think I was going to make it...hehe


So now we were given all the meds I will need to take as well as our testing date.



23 November 2010 ~~~The day that our lives may change forever~~~

I LOVE this Poem

Please note this poem was not posted with the intention of offending anyone who conceived without effort. It is just special to me.


I Will be a wonderful Mother ~ Author Unknown


There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.


I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.


I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.


I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.


I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.


I count myself lucky in this sense, that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child, I will not be careless with my love.


I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.


YES, I WILL BE A WONDERFUL MOTHER...

Fertilisation Update

We were told that we will get a call on Sunday and Monday to update us on how the embryo's are coming along.

Well Sunday morning, at 9am sharp, the embryologist called. She said that one egg was immature and one didn't take at all.

The other 2 FERTILISED!!!!!

One through ICSI and the other without.

Woohooo!!!!!!!!

Monday morning, 9am sharp, another call. This time to let us know we have 2 beautiful 6 cell embryo's ready to be implanted the next morning.

I am so stinking excited. I cannot wait for my 2 embabies to be put back safely into their mama bear.

Week 2

Week 2 came with a few scans.

CD7 Scan (Sat, 30 October)

First scan revealed that we had 5 follicles with the largest 2 measuring 11mm's. The FS assured us that it is still early days but I couldn't help but wonder if this was good or bad.

CD10 Scan (Tues, 02 November)

This scan showed the same amount of follies but the largest 2 had now grown to 14mm's +. We were told to come back on Thurs and we should have a pretty good idea when egg retrieval would be done.

CD12 Scan (Thurs, 04 November)

This scan was a bit nerve wracking. We were told the largest 2 were 19mm's and there was a 3rd that was 18mm's. Dr V said that ER would be Sat morning but that we would only get 2-3 eggs. This left me feeling very uneasy and anxious. FS said not to worry cos you only need 1 good egg to get pregnant but I really couldn't help it.


EGG RETRIEVAL

The next day went by in a blur. We were up bright and early on Saturday morning. Arrived at the clinic at 06:45 and waited outside the theatre for a bit. Just after 7am we were let in and I was given 2 gowns to change into. I was then shown to my bed. Hubby's sperm sample was checked and he was told that it was good. The look on his face was priceless. I amazes me how the men really only have 1 job throughout this process and they stress so intensely about it. Can you just imagine what they would do if they went through as much as us?

There were 2 other girls also having ER done and I was 2nd to go in. I said my goodbyes to hubby and was wheeled into theatre. Dr J found it hard to find a vein for the drugs and I could see he was getting a little frustrated. On the 4th poke he finally got it right but by then I was in tears. Luckily 2 seconds later I was out cold.

I woke up soon after in the recovery room. A bit dazed I looked around me and saw a nurse close by. The first thing I could think to do was call her over and ask her how many eggs we got. That was when she pointed to my hand...

Week 1

Week 1 was eventful, to say the least.

Personally, I thought I did an excellent job of the injections. I didn't squeal with pain. I was very brave. It only burnt a little as the medication went in but the actual jab wasn't bad at all.

DH was awesome and even though he would never have helped with administering it, he woke up early every day and came downstairs with me for moral support.

The side effects were minimal. I did suffer with some really bad headaches but not very often. I kept up my 3l of water a day and I truly believe that helped a lot.

In the midst of all this we celebrated our 1st anniversary. DH planned a romantic getaway to the Magaliesburg mountains. It was such an awesome surprise and exactly what we needed. He dropped Luigi off with the lady who so kindly takes care of him when we go away, and he didn't tell me a thing. I only found out on Friday afternoon when the first thing I asked when I got home was "where is the doggie?".

We could only go for one night because we had an early morning scan on Saturday.

After the scan we went straight to Builders to choose the colour of our laminated wooden floors. Then it was off to breakfast at Wimpy and Woolies to pick up some snacks for our trip.

The drive up to the place was tedious with lots of steep dirt roads but it was so worth it. The place was stunning and so peaceful. We were the only guests there for most of the afternoon and spent our time lounging at the pool, reading magazines, chatting and just generally chilling.

We also managed to squeeze in an afternoon nap and the Currie Cup Final...GO SHARKS!!!!!!

All in all, an awesome Anni. I love my DH so so much...

Pics of the place were we stayed...Kashan Country House

The Purple Bag Club

After we made our first payment we made our way towards the nurses office. All I could think about was the infamous "purple bag". I first heard about it on the Fertilicare website where I chat with other Infertiles and I couldn't wait to have my very own purple bag...LOL

We walked into the office and there they were. Tons of them all over the place. Mine had already been seperated from the rest and was placed on the desk. We sat down and she explained about the anti-biotics and this and that and blah blah blah. My mind was only focused on one thing. The purple bag...and it's contents.

Finally we got to open it and the nurse showed me how to mix all 3 amps of Menopur with the little bit of water. Then it was time to inject myself and once again, I am not sure if it was the adrenalin or the fact that I was so excited to FINALLY be starting, but I just was not as nervous about injecting myself as I thought I would be.

She guided my hands and a minute later we were done. There was no pain as the needle went in, just a little bit of burning as the medication was injected.

For the first time we left Vitalab feeling hopeful and optimistic.

KENAKO.........It's Time!!!!!!!

The Verdict!!!

DH and I went to Mcdonalds for coffee and muffins. It was the easiest way to kill time while waiting for the dreaded blood results. I had a deelish chop chip muffin and a yummy Cappucino.

9am...and it was finally time. We arrived back at the Clinic and as instructed went straight back to the nurses rooms to check if the results were back. A nurse, that we had never seen before, asked for my name and told me to take a seat while she checks. Dh and I noticed a real contrast at this point. Vitalab's nurses are either super friendly or quite serious. We definitely prefer friendly.

As we sat and waited I found myself getting extremely tense. I kept thinking there was no way I would be able to handle another delay. And before I could even finish the thought, here comes another nurse around the corner announcing to the world "Mr and Mrs M ...YOU ARE GOOD TO GO!!!"

Those words were like music to my ears. I could see clouds parting and hear angels singing. I wanted to jump up and give her a hug but all I could manage was a spontaneous outburst of tears. I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you God...

***Huge Sigh of Relief***

AF arrived on Sunday morning....woohoo!!!!!!!!!

So we were up bright and early yesterday so that we could be at Vitalab at 7am for our scan. I noticed that as tired as I was, it's amazing how much energy you have once the adrenalin kicks in from all the excitement and the nerves.

We didn't have to wait long before my name was called and it was our turn. As we sat waiting in Scan Room 4 I found myself silently praying. I asked God to remove all obstacles so that we could have the family we so desire (or at least try).

The nurse walked in and I started to feel very anxious. She started the scan and I immediately recognised the black blob on the screen to be the dreaded cyst. I asked if it was and she wouldn't say anything. I started to tense up thinking to myself "This cannot possibly be happening to me again".

Finally, the nurse piped up and said that even though it is still there, the cyst is now 11cm as apposed to the 21cm it was at the last scan and that it was dissolving. At this point the only thing I wanted to know was if this was going to delay us starting IVF again???

She explained that I would have to go for bloods and that if the bloods showed that the cyst was releasing hormones then we would not be able to start but if not then we would be okay.

So off we went downstairs to the blood lab and after we were done we were told that we now had to wait 1hr for the results....Seriously????????

The time is near!!!

So, I swallowed my last contraceptive pill last night. I can't believe how fast 18 days went by. I guess it had to do with me not constantly thinking about it. Also helped that I was really busy at work.

Dr V said AF should arrive 2 - 3 days after the last pill so now I wait. I am trying my best not to overthink it but I guess it's always at the back of my mind. Last night I even had a dream about IVF and guess what? At the end there was a POSITIVE result!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!

I must say, I think I am doing really well not stressing about it. Just taking it one day at a time.

I am so over this week. I wish Friday would get here already!!!

Crabby and Confused???

Ever since we were told of the delay in our IVF journey, I honestly think I have handled it pretty well. I haven't given it much thought and honestly my plan has been to just go on with life as I did before all this came to pass. I thought it was working well too.

But this morning for some reason I just woke up feeling tired and crabby. DH got the brunt of it and then it was the turn of any and every "idiot" that crossed my path. I was like the devil in-carnate.

Then I got to thinking...

I am seriously clueless. I know nothing about IVF. Granted, we have spoken to the fertility coordinator and we understand the process but I know nothing about the details. What are they actually looking for? What constitutes a "good quality" egg.

I have read IVF blogs and some of the things mentioned I have never even heard of. Now I start to question myself. Am I really ready. Do I need to maybe research it more, or should I just leave well enough alone. Maybe it's best not to know too much. My FS knows what he is doing and what he is looking for and I trust that he will do everything possible to help us get this baby that we so desire.

Ai ai ai, I am so confused...

I hate Barbie...the B**** has everything!!!!

A friend of mine sent me the link to this blog and I thought it is just too funny not to share :-)

http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/2004/05/ivf_barbie.html

REALLY????

Dr V walked into the room and greeted us in his normal cheerful way. He asked if we were ready to start IVF and I couldn't help but think to myself..."are you ever really ready?"

He started the internal scan and you would never believe what happened next. Okay okay, maybe you will, but I couldn't.

Within 2 minutes of the scan he announces that we will not be starting today. I was crushed. I didn't know what to think or what to feel. I was numb.

He went on to explain that I had what they call a Corpus Luteum. It is a form of a cyst but very insiginificant and is where the egg was released from in my last cycle. It is taking up space in the ovary and so they can't start me on stimms. Instead, I was given the pill of which I am to take only the active pills for 18 days. 2-3 days after I take the last pill, AF should arrive, corpus luteum free, and we should be able to start on CD2 again.

I left there feeling empty but soon realised that I cannot stress over things I have no control over. I have to to stay positive...I just HAVE to!!!!!

IT'S TIME!!!!!!

The days leading up to AF's arrival were pure torture. The day I started spotting I literally couldn't breathe. It made me realise the time was almost here. Little did I know that the spotting would continue for another 4days :-(

Finally on Thursday night AF showed. I have never been so happy to see her...EVER!!!!

Saturday, 02 October was our first scan and was supposed to mark the start of our IVF journey. DH and I were up bright and early. The scans start at 7am and are done on a first come first serve basis. I was way to anxious to go and sit there for hours before someone could see to us so I put the pressure on and we managed to get there just before 7.

We went upstairs and put my name on the list, then sat down and waited patiently for my name to be called. The wait wasn't too long and when I finally heard my name I suddenly got major butterflies. DH was allowed to come into the scan room with me (it was his first time), and as we sat there waiting for the doc to arrive it suddenly hit me......"THIS IS REAL".


I was SUPER excited...

Post Op Appointment with Dr J...

Finally, over a month later, we got to have our post op appointment with Dr J.

I went in so hopeful that we would be able to try at least 2/3 cycles of AI. Alas, that was not to be and Dr J said that our only option really was IVF and that we shouldn't wait to long to do it. We didn't really have time on our side.

This time DH and I left there in silence. We went about our business like any other day and didn't speak about what we had just been told. I felt completely drained and every time I wanted to bring it up I couldn't get the words out. Every time I was alone I just cried and cried and cried...

The next day I couldn't wait to get home. I had spent all day thinking about what I was going to say to my DH to convince him that we needed to do this, and soon. We need to at least be able to say that we tried and have no regrets later on in life. We need to do whatever it takes to make this happen. This was our lives and our future.

That afternoon when I got home Dh looked super relaxed. That immediately put me at ease and gave me the courage to speak up. The conversation that followed was everything I hoped it would be and at the end of it all, we both agreed that IVF was our next step and the next big thing that we would go through before the end of the year...

The Weeks to Follow...

Were as stressful as they come...

My Laparoscopy was on Tuesday, 27th July.

My mum had flown up from PMB the Sat before so that she could help me through the recovery. I was told that I might experience some pain. The morning of the op we made our way to Linkwood hospital. We arrived only to be told that my name was not on the list. I called Vitalab in a panic and they assured me that I was on Dr G's list that he had with him. I handed the phone to the hospital receptionist so they could chat and she then pointed me in the direction that I needed to go. I was happy that it got resolved so quickly cos they was no way I was leaving that hospital with having my Lap done.

I walked into the ward and almost immediately I was assigned a bed and hospital gown and asked to change. Seems I got there just in time, before the rush.

I said my goodbyes to DH and my mum and I was wheeled into theatre just after 10am.

I was met by Dr G and the anesthetist. Dr G was awesome. He immediately made me feel so comfortable and even held my hand while the anesthetist did his thing.

The last thing I heard was "think happy thoughts", and then it was off to lala land :-)

When I woke up the first thing I asked the nurse to do was phone my husband and ask him to come get me.

Little did I realise it would be at least a few hours before I left the hospital and not until I managed to make a wee...hehe

Post Op...

The week that followed was very uncomfortable. I was in a lot of pain and if anything it was just getting worse. All I can say is thank goodness for mummy's. They are like angels. DH was also amazing and having them both by my side 24/7 made it a little more bearable.





Post Post Op...(the abbreviated version)

When the stitches from the Lap were removed a haemotoma followed and caused me extreme pain and discomfort. After 2 weeks, 2 visits back to vitalab, and still receiving no treatment the result was a 4am emergency room visit. I suffered extreme cramping and vomitting and a CT Scan revealed a bowel obstruction. I was immediately admitted and thrown into Trauma ICU were I spent the next 2 days. After drinking 2 litres of dye another CT Scan revealed that surgery would not be necessary and that the obstruction was now partially unblocked. I was then moved to a regular ward where I spent the remainder of the 3rd day and on the 4th day I was told I could go home...HALLELUJAH!!!!

I was told to have only medium liquids (like soup) for the next 2 weeks....Yuk!


All I wanted was a hotdog ...

The Results are in....

It's funny, growing up you always just assume your life will follow a certain path. Study, find a job, meet someone and fall in love, get married, and as easy as pie, you will have 2.5 kids and live happily ever after.

So, when you are 30yrs old, sitting in the office of a fertility specialist and being told that your chances of conceiving a child naturally are about zero to nothing, you suddenly have a lot of questions. The first one being, what did I ever do in my life that was so bad that I deserve this???

Ok, let me back up...

The first thing we were told was that I had Stage 3 Endometriosis. With Stage 1 being the least and Stage 4 being the worst, mine was apparently very bad and I was immediately given a date for my Laparoscopy (27 July).

We were then given instructions to go for a few tests, namely bloods, sperm analysis (DH) and HSG Xray (me) over the next 2 weeks.

After all the tests were done and dusted, we went back to see Dr J and that was when we were given the devastating news. A combination of my low ovarian reserve and high FSH levels and DH's sperm clumping together, was making it virtually impossible to fall pregnant naturally. Our options were Artificial Imsemination (this would only work if the volume of my ovaries were found to be acceptable at my Lap) or IVF.

IVF ...(everytime he said the letters I cringed). I sat there fighting back tears. I could see Dr J's lips move but suddenly it felt like the world around me was on mute. The ringing in my ears got louder and louder and all I could think about was getting out of there so that I could maintain what was left of my dignity.

Finally...

After what seemed like an eternity, but was in fact 1 month, the 28th of June had finally arrived and I felt like a little girl on her first day of school.

I was a bundle of nerves and wasn't quite sure what to expect. I met DH at home so we could drive to Sandton together.

When we arrived at Vitalab I was very impressed. The place was stylish and clean and everything you want see. We went straight to reception and it was then that I realised that I had forgotten the 9 page Infertility History Form that was e-mailed to me and that I had already printed and completed. We had to grab another one and sit down to fill it in. I was actually kinda glad because we were about 15min early and by having to do this again it took our minds off what was to come.


3pm Roll on...












Dr J...

It was time to meet Dr J and we were shown to his office. We walked in and it was a typical Dr's office with a view of the street below, lots of books and what I think were a few fertility idols...LOL

Dr J was amazing from the word go. He is super relaxed and funny, and he just casually chatted about the information on the form he had been handed. I was then taken for my internal check up while DH waited in his office. When I returned we chatted about what he had found.

The results were not what were expected...

And so the journey begins...

A little History:

DH and I were married in Oct 2009 and immediately started TTC'ing. We were so ready to start a family and give our furbaby(Luigi) a little human brother/sister...LOL










Our little nunu...Luigi


As naive as we are, we thought it would all be very simple. We knew it might not happen straight away but we didn't think it would take too long.

1 month, 2 months, 3months...8 months later and still nothing.

At this point I was starting to get a little frustated. People kept telling me to relax and not think about it and it will happen. To be quite honest, that didn't make any sense to me, cos as those of you who have been in this situation will know, when you want a baby, that is ALL you can think off. The most frustrating thing is someone telling you to relax. Especially people who just have to sneeze and they fall pregnant.

I convinced hubby that we need to see someone, just to make sure that everything was okay and then we could continue to "try" for long as it would take. I felt like that would give me the peace of mind to "relax" and let nature take it's course.

I had heard about Vitalab from a few people. A good friend of mine who had been trying to conceive for a long time started consulting with Dr J and a month later she was pregnant. I was so convinced that I would soon have the same success story to share with others. I was all pumped up and ready to be pregnant...NOW.

I made our appointment and off we went...