Friday, May 18, 2012

Almost halfway through 2012!!!

I cannot believe how fast the months are flying by. I know that time waits for no man but shew, this is ridiculous.

So, we are almost halfway there and this year so far has, as usual, been a emotional rollercoaster Luckily though, on a much smaller scale than the previous 2 years.

We are still staying as far away as possible from anything baby related. We are actually doing quite well. The only issue I am currently dealing with is server pain which I suspect is my endo. I think it's back with a vengeance and I just hope it doesn't make my life a living hell like it has in the past. I have an appointment with my FS next week and I'll hear what he has to say then.

Infertility aside, life has been nothing short of perfect. DH and I are doing great. Our marriage is stronger than ever. My 2 furbabies are the light of my life. My heart literally swells when I am with them. They are just so damn precious, with the biggest personalities and also super spoilt. My MIL always says that my dogs have very blessed souls. She says that they must have done really good things in their previous lives if their Karma landed them in my care. Awww...that is such a precious thought.

DH and I are counting the months down. We cannot wait for this year to be over and for December to arrive because we just recently booked our Christmas Vacay.

We will be jetting of to Italy and Paris for 2 glorius weeks. Venice, Florence, Rome (where will be spending Christmas) and finally Paris. This is my dream vacation and I am so excited to experience it with my soul mate and the love of my life. It's going to be so romantic and just an overall blast.

I am trying to live by the motto:

"Infertility is a drag but my life doesn't have to be"

Luigi and Bella

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Wow...it's been a while!!!

I have really missed blogging. It's been an awesome few months. Holidays, work, weekend getaways...I've hardly had time to think babies. "Hardly" being the operative word.

For a while there I was doing REALLY well. DH and I were busy planning our first overseas holiday, which we will embark on in December. I am dying to share our plans but have promised DH that I won't say a word until everything is booked and paid for :-(

That kept me occupied for a while and I must say, I was stress free and blissfully happy.

Unfortunately, it didn't last long...

In recent weeks, I have been thinking more and more about our seemingly hopeless situation. I am back to torturing myself on the internet and spending hours and hours thinking about everything we've been through and what we can do going forward.

The truth is though, I have no idea what can be done. Our last conversation with our FS ended with him telling us that we can try 1 more IVF and then we will have to consider moving over to Donor Eggs.

"Donor Eggs"

Those 2 simple words have been giving me nightmares for weeks and weeks. I have gone over it in my head so many times but I am still so super confused. I know that my DH and I decided from the start that if we cannot have children that are genetically tied to both of us, then we will move on from this.

But now the more I think about it, the more I seem to be justifying why we should at least explore the option of donor eggs. I justify it in my head and then 10min's later, I have, once again, talked myself out of it.

I have so fallen off the wagon. I try not to speak to DH about anything baby related. I mean, we did mutually decide to take this year off from it. But sometimes, I just can't help myself. I bring it and up and then as soon as I see his reaction, I immediately regret it.

Men are programmed very different than women. I cannot just switch it off. I wish I could, but it hasn't happened yet. My DH has been amazing from the very beginning of this journey, but because he is a man, and because think about it so differently, I sometimes feel like I have to deal with my emotions all by myself. I mean, I can try to explain how I feel and what I am going through inside, until I am blue in the face, but will he ever really get it???

The past few days have been really hard on me. I feel like I am dying inside. Like every month that we are not pregnant, a part of my soul is being torn away.

Every night I pray that tomorrow will be a better day!!!