It wasn't meant to be...

It's taken me over a week to bring myself to write this post. I felt like putting it down here would make it all so real. But I can't put it off any longer.

Last week Monday we got the bad news that one of our eggs was immature and the other fertilised but didn't split.

Both DH and I were very disappointed but I handled it much better than I thought I would at the time. Only afterwards, when I had time to sit and think about it, that's when it really hit home.

I've had some time to think about it and I have made my peace with the situation. We still have options but for now we will take a break and try and enjoy the last few months of the year without any pressure to have a baby.

Just me, DH and Luigi...My little family.

Egg Retrieval

Egg retrieval was yesterday morning. We arrived at the clinic at 7am and it was freezing. Probably the coldest morning yet. Luckily the clinic sisters arrive early and put all the heaters on so we warmed up pretty fast. At about 7:30 I was instructed to empty my bladder and was then directed to the room where the egg retrieval would take place. The sisters started me on my intralipid drip while we waited for the doctor. Smartest thing they could have done. That way, I didn't have to sit around after ER and wait for the drip to be administered.

Hubby was allowed in the room with me and kept me company for a bit until the nurse announced that Dr C had arrived. She then administered the first lot of pethidine, and let me tell you something....I DO LOVE ME SOME PETHIDINE...hehe

I just remember feeling REALLY good and then nothing. Hubby thought that I was hilarious. Says he thought I was about to give them the winning lotto numbers. He also tells me that I spoke to Dr C but I don't remember any of it.

All I remember is waking up in the recovery room and asking DH how many eggs we got. The clinic manager who is also Dr C's wife came in and gave us the good news.

We got 2 :-)

She did say that they are small and will have to be grown but I was ecstatic. 2 was way more than I could have ever hoped for.

ICSI is being done on both eggs. Today we were told that one of the eggs was injected late yesterday afternoon and the other this morning. We should get a phone call tomorrow to let us know how fertilisation is progressing.

I can't wait!!!!!!

It only takes one

Mondays scan only revealed one more follicle. Dr D suggested that we retrieve the bigger of the two, which was 14mm, and then we will basically have to hope for the best (he didn't actually say that).

I am thrilled that the cycle was not cancelled. After all I have been through this cycle I just want to be able to see it through to the end. I am still praying that I will get that chance. I hope that my one follicle produces an excellent quality egg that fertilises perfectly.

We have another scan tomorrow morning and Egg Retrieval will most likely take place on Fri morning. If fertilisation is successful then Embryo Transfer will be on Monday.

The nurse at the clinic insists that I should not give up just yet. She gave me a little bit of hope when she told me that they have had lots of successful pregnancies from 1 egg.

After all, it only takes one, right?

Day 9 Scan Update

It wasn't good...

I have a very thin lining and only ONE follicle.

Needless to say I am devastated. Dr D upped my meds and sent me for more bloods to test my E2 levels.

If the E2 levels are very low and there are no new follicles at our scan on Monday then we will have to cancel this cycle.

That's the end of us and IVF for a long time, maybe even forever.

I feel like IF has defeated me. I would love to remain positive but how can I? Everytime we pick ourselves up we get knocked down again. It's like a vicious cycle.

As miserable as I feel I will try and keep the faith and just pray that Monday will bring a miracle by the grace of God.

So Far So Good

The injections have been going well so far. The Fostimon on Friday and Saturday burned really bad but last night's Menonys (aka Butt injection) was not as bad as I was anticipating. DH was was a star. The pain only lasted couple of seconds and it felt exactly like the injection you get from the doctor when you are sick. Afterwards, I had to lay down for a few minutes cos the pain became a bit unbearable but that also didn't last very long.

Today I am a bit sore but nothing to write home about.

I am eager for it to be Friday already so we can have our scan. We should know at that point more or less how many eggs we will have. I am nervous and anxious and once again I have all these negative thoughts running through my head.

As much as I try to remain positive throughout this process it isn't always easy. In the back of your mind you know that there is a very real chance that this might not work and as much as you want to believe it will, in the same breath, you have to protect yourself for if it doesn't.

I remember the feeling when we got the news last time that it didn't work. I was gutted and I pray every day that I won't ever have to feel that way again.

OKAYYYYY, that's enough negativity for one day...

Time to snap out of it and soldier on.

Fingers crossed for an excellent first scan.

Day 1

Today is Day 1 of my cycle which means the fun and games are about to start.

I have been taking Lucrin injections since last Thursday (26 May) and tomorrow I add on Fostimon for 2 days. From Sunday it will be Lucrin and the dreaded butt injection (Menonys).

DH has been practicing on his orange, and since Sunday I have allowed him to give me the Lucrin injection so that he can get used to poking a needle into me. He has been doing really well but me, not so much.

Everytime he gets close to my tummy with the needle, I have this fit of hysterical, uncontrollable laughter. He gets so annoyed with me and thankfully it doesn't last long.

Next week Fri will be my first scan. I can't believe how fast things are happening and I just know that this next month is going to be a complete blur. Actually, that might not be a bad thing. Especially during the 2WW...hehe