Update

I have been so out of touch and so bad about updating my blog that I have to apologise to my friends who actually read it. Things have just been hectic and as we draw closer to the end of another year, my weekends seem to be filling up super fast.

DH and I are still in a really good space in our marriage and just our every day lives. We have made the decision to take the whole of the next year off from anything baby related and we will approach the subject of treatments again in 2013. Knowing this, stops me from obsessing over it and this has really helped me to get on with my life.

We just celebrated our 2yr anniversary 3 weeks ago and we managed to get away for the weekend. I was lucky enough to win a competition that I entered through Getaway Magazine. A 2 night stay with dinner, bed and breakfast at Valley Lodge in Magaliesberg.

The place was stunning and we had an amazing time. We managed to relax quite a bit and caught up on some much needed sleep. Waking up at 4:30 every morning with my early bird babies can really takes it's toll on me.

I have another 4 weeks of work and then it's time for our annual shutdown and 3 and a half glorious weeks of vacation, which starts with a cruise to the Portuguese Islands. I can't wait!!!

After that, it's Christmas in PMB with our families and then back to Jozie for the New Year, my birthday and some R & R.

As much as I have come to terms with every hand that we have been dealt, I continue to pray EVERY DAY for a miracle. I will never lose faith. I believe that my day will come, and when it does, I will be ready :-)

My Nieces 1st Birthday

My niece turned 1 on the 31st of August and my sister had the party in Howick in KZN. Here are a few pics I took at the party.

New Addition to our little Family :-)

This one is of the fur variety...

I am so excited to introduce you to BELLA!!!!!



DH agreed to let us extend our fur family after our last failed IVF and honestly, it was the best thing ever. I love this little baby to bits and even Luigi loves having a new playmate. The 2 get along like a house on fire.

I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to update my blog. Things have just been really crazy with work and the new addition.

The good news is that I am in a really good space in my life right now. I have dealt with my IF and have come to terms with the reality of our situation. Since doing that my life has been amazing. My marriage has also never been better. Without any added emotional and financial stress we have been able to just be us. We plan holidays and visit friends and spend loads of time playing with our furbabies. So therapeutic.

For now, we are happy with the way things are going so we gonna just keep it this way. My life is no longer consumed by my infertility and I think I wanna keep it that way for as long as I can.

Here are some more pics of my angels...

Bella (9weeks)

Luigi (Furball)

Eating their chew sticks

It wasn't meant to be...

It's taken me over a week to bring myself to write this post. I felt like putting it down here would make it all so real. But I can't put it off any longer.

Last week Monday we got the bad news that one of our eggs was immature and the other fertilised but didn't split.

Both DH and I were very disappointed but I handled it much better than I thought I would at the time. Only afterwards, when I had time to sit and think about it, that's when it really hit home.

I've had some time to think about it and I have made my peace with the situation. We still have options but for now we will take a break and try and enjoy the last few months of the year without any pressure to have a baby.

Just me, DH and Luigi...My little family.

Egg Retrieval

Egg retrieval was yesterday morning. We arrived at the clinic at 7am and it was freezing. Probably the coldest morning yet. Luckily the clinic sisters arrive early and put all the heaters on so we warmed up pretty fast. At about 7:30 I was instructed to empty my bladder and was then directed to the room where the egg retrieval would take place. The sisters started me on my intralipid drip while we waited for the doctor. Smartest thing they could have done. That way, I didn't have to sit around after ER and wait for the drip to be administered.

Hubby was allowed in the room with me and kept me company for a bit until the nurse announced that Dr C had arrived. She then administered the first lot of pethidine, and let me tell you something....I DO LOVE ME SOME PETHIDINE...hehe

I just remember feeling REALLY good and then nothing. Hubby thought that I was hilarious. Says he thought I was about to give them the winning lotto numbers. He also tells me that I spoke to Dr C but I don't remember any of it.

All I remember is waking up in the recovery room and asking DH how many eggs we got. The clinic manager who is also Dr C's wife came in and gave us the good news.

We got 2 :-)

She did say that they are small and will have to be grown but I was ecstatic. 2 was way more than I could have ever hoped for.

ICSI is being done on both eggs. Today we were told that one of the eggs was injected late yesterday afternoon and the other this morning. We should get a phone call tomorrow to let us know how fertilisation is progressing.

I can't wait!!!!!!

It only takes one

Mondays scan only revealed one more follicle. Dr D suggested that we retrieve the bigger of the two, which was 14mm, and then we will basically have to hope for the best (he didn't actually say that).

I am thrilled that the cycle was not cancelled. After all I have been through this cycle I just want to be able to see it through to the end. I am still praying that I will get that chance. I hope that my one follicle produces an excellent quality egg that fertilises perfectly.

We have another scan tomorrow morning and Egg Retrieval will most likely take place on Fri morning. If fertilisation is successful then Embryo Transfer will be on Monday.

The nurse at the clinic insists that I should not give up just yet. She gave me a little bit of hope when she told me that they have had lots of successful pregnancies from 1 egg.

After all, it only takes one, right?

Day 9 Scan Update

It wasn't good...

I have a very thin lining and only ONE follicle.

Needless to say I am devastated. Dr D upped my meds and sent me for more bloods to test my E2 levels.

If the E2 levels are very low and there are no new follicles at our scan on Monday then we will have to cancel this cycle.

That's the end of us and IVF for a long time, maybe even forever.

I feel like IF has defeated me. I would love to remain positive but how can I? Everytime we pick ourselves up we get knocked down again. It's like a vicious cycle.

As miserable as I feel I will try and keep the faith and just pray that Monday will bring a miracle by the grace of God.

So Far So Good

The injections have been going well so far. The Fostimon on Friday and Saturday burned really bad but last night's Menonys (aka Butt injection) was not as bad as I was anticipating. DH was was a star. The pain only lasted couple of seconds and it felt exactly like the injection you get from the doctor when you are sick. Afterwards, I had to lay down for a few minutes cos the pain became a bit unbearable but that also didn't last very long.

Today I am a bit sore but nothing to write home about.

I am eager for it to be Friday already so we can have our scan. We should know at that point more or less how many eggs we will have. I am nervous and anxious and once again I have all these negative thoughts running through my head.

As much as I try to remain positive throughout this process it isn't always easy. In the back of your mind you know that there is a very real chance that this might not work and as much as you want to believe it will, in the same breath, you have to protect yourself for if it doesn't.

I remember the feeling when we got the news last time that it didn't work. I was gutted and I pray every day that I won't ever have to feel that way again.

OKAYYYYY, that's enough negativity for one day...

Time to snap out of it and soldier on.

Fingers crossed for an excellent first scan.

Day 1

Today is Day 1 of my cycle which means the fun and games are about to start.

I have been taking Lucrin injections since last Thursday (26 May) and tomorrow I add on Fostimon for 2 days. From Sunday it will be Lucrin and the dreaded butt injection (Menonys).

DH has been practicing on his orange, and since Sunday I have allowed him to give me the Lucrin injection so that he can get used to poking a needle into me. He has been doing really well but me, not so much.

Everytime he gets close to my tummy with the needle, I have this fit of hysterical, uncontrollable laughter. He gets so annoyed with me and thankfully it doesn't last long.

Next week Fri will be my first scan. I can't believe how fast things are happening and I just know that this next month is going to be a complete blur. Actually, that might not be a bad thing. Especially during the 2WW...hehe

I Can't Comment

On my posts or any other blogs, so please don't think I am ignoring you. Thank you for all your comments and well wishes. Much appreciated.

Oh, and if you have any suggestions on how I can fix this problem, feel free to comment on this post.

*Just don't expect a reply :-)

It's all just a little daunting

This morning we had an appointment at our clinic to find out what needs to be done this cycle. There are a lot of different meds and I was feeling a little overwhelmed so we decided to go in and speak to one of the sisters.

Well, boy am I glad we did. There are a lot of different steps with this protocol. 3 different meds (injections) the first of which I started today. The nurse administered it at the clinic and it was easy peasy, just as I remember it to be from last time. It was in the tummy with that same tiny little needle...GREAT!!!!

Then came the bad news...

The injection that I will use for the majority of this cycle is given IN THE BUTT!!!!! *GRIL*

And that's not the worst part. The needle is HUGE. I am petrified. I can't stop thinking about it.

Now, injecting myself in the tummy, that's easy. But looking in a mirror and sticking this huge @ss needle in my buttocks, that is going to be a bit of a challenge. I asked the nurse to show DH how to do it, even though he has always been adamant that he would not be able to. She suggested that he practices on an orange. So, we get home and the first thing DH wants to do is stick the needle into something...looking way to excited about it, I might add.

Ok, so now I am REALLY NERVOUS. But........I trust my husband so I will give him the benefit of the doubt. I am proud of him for even offering to give it a go. That said, I am sure there are going to be a few sleepless nights before that first injection :)

So, journey no. 2 has finally begun...Please God, let this be it for us

Practice makes perfect...

Over the weekend, I attended a 1/2 day camera course. It was very helpful in that it made me understand my camera a little better.

I bought my Nikon D3100 in December 2010. It was sort of a Christmas pressie to myself and my hubby also contributed some. Since then I haven't had the chance to use it much.

After Saturdays tutorial, I played around a bit and these are the pics I managed to get in my garden.

Sunday Breakfast - Sausage Chutney

There is nothing better than waking up late on a Sunday morning and making a hearty breakfast for you and your hubby. It's a special bonus when then hearty breakfast doesn't take you more than 15min and doesn't involve any hard work...LOL

This Sunday past I made one of our favourites. It used to be especially nice when we needed a hangover cure but is still enjoyed by us these days even though drinking is a thing of the past.

The recipe is pretty flexible in that you can use any sausage that you fancy but it works especially nice with Pork Bangers.

Firstly, fry your sausauges on high heat. You basically just want to brown them as they will cook in the chutney later on. Remove from pan and slice into bite size pieces. Now set aside and get going with the chutney.

Heat about 1-2 TBS of oil in a shallow pot/frying pan.

Add:

1 can tomato & Onion mix

1 - 2 cinnamon sticks

1.5 - 2 tsp chilli powder (adjust according to how hot you want it)

1/4 tsp tumeric

1 tsp salt

Handful of chopped coriander

Stir and allow to cook for approx 15min

Now add your sausage, cover and cook for a further 20min stirring occasionally.

Once it is done, remove from heat and sprinkle a little more coriander over.

Serve with fresh buttered bread or toast.

Part 2: Fish Cakes

I used my moms tried and tested fish cake recipe for the first time. It was right up my alley as it was a one bowl recipe. My favourite kind. I love recipes that require you to throw everything into one bowl, mix and waalaah!!!

You start by throwing the following ingredients into a dish.

1 tin Middlecut fish cleaned and deboned(you can substitute this for hake or any fish of your choice)

1 medium onion grated

2 medium potatoes boiled and mashed

Handful of chopped Coriander (I use extra cos I love coriander)

2 tsp crushed chilli

Nice big pinch of salt

Combine using your hands so that all the ingredients are evenly mixed.

Form into the shape of fish cakes.

Dip in egg and then in breadcrumbs.

So here's where I decided to get little adventurous and I made my own breadcrumbs.

I popped about 3 slices of Albany Low Gi Seed bread into my blender and pulsed until they looked like crumbs. I then added some dry mixed herbs, a pinch or salt and a wee bit of thyme.

Easy peasy :)

Just before serving I popped my fish cakes into the oven at 180°C for about 7-10min on each side. I then removed then from the oven and shallow fried them for about 1min on each side. This was just to get them to turn that lovely golden brown colour.

End result

Romantic dinner Part 1

DH was away at a conference for a few days and so I decided to suprise him by making a few of his favourites. On his return we indulged in a romantic 3 course meal. He loved it!

Menu:

Starters:

Fish Cakes

Main:

Chicken curry with yellow Rice

Dessert:

Cupcakes

The cupcakes were very basic but for the icing I decided to try Ina Paarman's Icing Kit. It was so easy to use and oh so delicious.

















Straight from the oven:

The end result:

After much thought and deliberation...

I have decided that having a blog that is purely about my infertility is way too depressing, and so, starting today, I am going to include other aspects of my life as well.

Namely, my 2 newly found interests:

Cooking and Photography :)

Now let me say from the start, I am by no means a professional chef or a photographer, but you have to start somewhere I guess.

Hope you enjoy things to come...

Mothers Day...*Bleh*

So Sunday marks yet another year gone by that I do not get to celebrate Mothers Day in the way that I so long to do so.

What I mean is, as a mummy to a real baby and not just as a furmommy.

My DH, as sweet as he is, buys me something small every year on Mothers Day on behalf of Luigi(our Yorkie boy).

It is such a such a sweet gesture on his part, but when will he be able to buy a gift and present it to me on behalf of our child? When is it going to be my turn to be a mummy???

Sorry about the pity party for one. It is just really hard around this time of year. I watch our friends and family around us, all these strong, beautiful woman being adored by their children and spoilt rotten by their families. I can't help but feel a little jealous. Not in a nasty way, but in an upset and hurts like hell kinda way.

Guess I am just going to have to be strong and soldier on. Roll on Monday!!!

And just to show there are no hard feelings...HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL THE MOTHERS READING THIS BLOG!!!!!!

Meds *check*

We picked up our meds yesterday and all I can say is WOW WOW WOW!!!

I am now more nervous than ever. There is lots more than last time as we are stimming much higher this around.

Last time we did the short protocol with 3 amps of Menopur per day, Cetrotide and Ovidrel trigger. I produced 4 eggs but only 2 made it to day 3. I am not sure of the quality as this was never discussed with us.

This time around we are doing a long protocol with Lucrin, Fostimon and Menonys. Dr C says that my right ovary is practically non-existent from all the damage done by he endo, so we have to stim higher this time around as we are counting on my left ovary to produce a few good quality eggs. He says not to expect too many eggs, but insists that he is not too concerned, because quality is much more important than quantity.

I am praying that the next 2 months fly by. I just want to start already. I am super excited and I have a really good feeling this time around.

Praying that we will get our miracle...

Tomorrow, is only a day away....

We have an appointment tomorrow morning with the Sisters at the clinic to collect our meds and discuss our protocol.

I am so excited about it. I feel like it's out first time all over again. IVF virgins once more.

Right now, it's all feeling very surreal so I am hoping that having the meds with us will make it a little more real.

Also, I have a plan... After reading blog upon blog and gathering a wealth of information from FC I decided to make a few lifestyle changes in an attempt to improve egg quality. I gave myself the end of March as a cut off for all things bad so that gives my body 2 full months to prepare itself for a possible pregnancy. Gosh, even as I type those words, it seems so impossible.

The most important and quite possibly the most difficult for me is going to be to stop eating carbs after 3pm. I am a total carb queen and having a slice of bread or rice with dinner is the norm in our household. I am going to have to plan our dinners days/weeks in advance. That's the only way this will work.

The next thing is cutting out sugar. Currently, I only have 2 teaspoons of brown sugar with my cereal in the morning but since I started taking Diane over a month ago, I have been craving and devouring tons of chocolates *naughty naughty*

Apparently, sugar is known for breaking down of your cells and, Human growth hormone spikes at night when we are sleeping, so your body is working on egg quality while you sleep. If you eat carbs after 3pm during the day, this causes a spike in your insulin levels at night. Insulin has a direct impact on Human Growth Hormone, it reduces its effectiveness in improving egg quality.

I also want to look into taking some vitamins but not sure where to start with regards to this. Will have chat with the sister tomorrow.

Lastly, I will completely give up all alcohol, caffeine and any other drugs of choice :-). I'm also going to up my H2O intake and start exercising more. Time to step it up a notch!!!

Kruger National Park

We spent this past "long" weekend at Skukuza Camp in Kruger National Park with friends. DH and I are blessed with awesome friends and so, as usual, we had tons of fun. I also got to use my camera a bit more than usual and I got some lovely pics. Here are a few:

And my top 5 Favourite pics:


Number 5:




















Number 4:




















Number 3:




















Number 2:



















And my absolute favourite pic: