Not even a month into the New Year and already we have been faced with our first challenge.
My endometriosis is back...
That means no chance of miraculously falling pregnant naturally. I know I said that we are taking a break from baby-making, but at the back of my mind I guess I kinda hoped it would happen naturally, while we save for our next IVF.
We have been to see an Endo specialist and he has suggested that I go on the pill, to keep the endo under control until we are ready to do another Laparoscopy. I have no intention of having another op any time soon. In fact, I am probably going to wait until August, when my new sick leave cycle kicks in at work.
I guess with the combination me being on the pill, my Endo being back, and us standing no chance of falling pregnant naturally because of it, we are FORCED to just forget about having a baby.
My question is....
IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE???????
I know I have said in previous posts that I understand that I have no control over what is or is not meant to happen in my life, and that I am happy to leave it in God's hands and just move on with my life, but how do I do that when it is all I think about.
One minute I think I am over it and I am just going to get on with my life and forget about it, and not even a second later, I am obsessing, once again. My poor DH. I think he is starting to get really annoyed with me, but honestly, I can't help it. I feel like a complete failure not being able to give him the family that I know he so desperately wants. The family I so desperately long for. My heart aches every time I think that there is a chance that I might never be able to have a baby. I know we will still have a good life together...that won't change, but how do I come to terms with it. Do I start preparing myself now? Or do I hold on, with all my might, to the glimmering hope that has gotten me through the past year.
I wish there was a guide that I could follow that told me exactly what to do and how to feel.
I can't do this on my own....
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
A New Year...A fresh Start!!!
Firstly, let me take this opportunity to wish everyone a blessed New Year...
Day 4 of 2011 and so far it's been great. My 3 week vacation was awesome. Got to spend time on the beach, and at Ushaka Marine World in Durban and had more than enough time with family which was awesome. DH and I had a ball and our relationship is stronger than ever.
We are sticking to our resolution of just forgetting about baby making and enjoying ourselves. It's amazing how much less stressful it is when you're not living your life 2 weeks at a time. We are so much more relaxed and DTD is so much fun again ;-)
Today is my first day back at work and being back here isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I look forward to all the new challenges 2011 will bring with it.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
It's Over :-(
It has taken me a while to be able to update my blog with the result of the blood test. I couldn't bring myself to relive the moment.
Needless to say, it was a BIG FAT NEGATIVE!!!!!
DH and I were in shock. After 3 positive home tests, that was certainly not the result we were expecting. We went in all hopeful and left there absolutely crushed.
After lot of tears and a few emotionally draining talks, we have decided to put baby making on the back burner for now and instead just learn to enjoy our marriage and each other again. It's been a long stressful year for us and it's time to just enjoy being healthy and ALIVE!!!
I have 2 days left at work and then I am off for 3 weeks for our annual shutdown. I cannot wait to just relax on the beach, get some sun and fresh air and spend lots of time with our family.
Next year will be a fresh start for us...
I cannot wait to see what the future holds. I promise to never again let my life be totally consumed by my intense desire to have a baby and be a mother. I have so many amazing people in my life. People who make everything I do so much more meaningful. I am a very lucky girl and honestly, if I am not destined to have children, it won't make my life any less meaningful. I am leaving it in God's hands. He will do what's right for us.
If there is one important thing that I have learnt from all this, it's that no matter what we do, WE HAVE NO CONTROL!!!! Whatever will be will be...
Needless to say, it was a BIG FAT NEGATIVE!!!!!
DH and I were in shock. After 3 positive home tests, that was certainly not the result we were expecting. We went in all hopeful and left there absolutely crushed.
After lot of tears and a few emotionally draining talks, we have decided to put baby making on the back burner for now and instead just learn to enjoy our marriage and each other again. It's been a long stressful year for us and it's time to just enjoy being healthy and ALIVE!!!
I have 2 days left at work and then I am off for 3 weeks for our annual shutdown. I cannot wait to just relax on the beach, get some sun and fresh air and spend lots of time with our family.
Next year will be a fresh start for us...
I cannot wait to see what the future holds. I promise to never again let my life be totally consumed by my intense desire to have a baby and be a mother. I have so many amazing people in my life. People who make everything I do so much more meaningful. I am a very lucky girl and honestly, if I am not destined to have children, it won't make my life any less meaningful. I am leaving it in God's hands. He will do what's right for us.
If there is one important thing that I have learnt from all this, it's that no matter what we do, WE HAVE NO CONTROL!!!! Whatever will be will be...
Monday, November 22, 2010
I am such a weakling!!!!
I have never been the most patient person in the world and the two week wait to get the result of this IVF cycle was seriously killing me, so, I decided to Pee on a Stick (POAS).
Thursday morning was the first test I did. Sadly it was a big fat negative (BFN). Surprisingly, I wasn't too phased because I thought it might still be too early for a home pregnancy test(HPT) to pick up anything. Friday morning, same thing (BFN), and by now I was starting to get worried.
It was my mum's birthday on Fri, and my entire family was here from PMB so we decided to give her a surprise party. It was such a fantastic night. Everybody had tons of fun and most importantly, they managed to take my mind off that mornings result.
My sister has a 3 month old daughter and when we were chatting, before she came up to JHB, she mentioned that she still had a HPT with her from when she was testing in January. Of course I told to her bring it with her and on Saturday morning I tested again.
This time I got a very feint second line. I immediately called her upstairs to have a look, just to make sure I was not seeing things or imagining the second line. She saw it too. I wanted to get excited but just couldn't...not yet. I even decided to not tell my DH as I didn't want to get his hopes up until I, myself, was sure.
Sunday was excruciating. I was dying to test again but had no more HPT's with me. Later that afternoon, we went to fetch my mum from my cousin's place, and bring her home with us, and I managed to convince DH to take me to the pharmacy.
We walked over to the tests and lo and behold there it was, I couldn't believe it....The Clearblue digital home pregnancy test. I just told DH abt it a few months earlier but couldn't find it anywhere. It was quite popular amongst the American girls and so I was thrilled to finally get one of my very own.
Because I knew I wouldn't be able to wait until the next morning I also bought a regular Clearblue test, just for good measure...LOL
Back home and straight upstairs. Would you believe, there it was again...a feint second line but definitely darker than the day before. This time I took it downstairs and showed it to DH and my mum. They both could see the second line. My hands started shaking like a leaf. Once again there was this feeling of excitement trying to rear it's head while doubt kinda pushed it back down again. I could see that DH felt the same way. I guess we were just protecting ourselves from getting hurt and after all that we had just been through, nobody could really blame us.
What I was looking forward to, however, was the digital test the next morning. There would be no wondering if it is a second line or if you are seeing things. It would be clear as day "PREGNANT" or "NOT PREGNANT".
That night I hardly slept. I was so anxious and kept waking up at all hours checking the time, anxiously awaiting 5am when my alarm would go off and it would be time to test. When it finally did go off, I was out of bed like a flash of lightning. Straight into the bathroom and away we gooooo...
I must have been in there like 1 minute when DH shouts from the bedroom "What's the result?". That's when I knew he was as nervous as I was...LOL
3 minutes later I looked over and there it was "PREGNANT 1-2" (Meaning 1-2 weeks) which they say would be calculated as 3-4 weeks by a doctor, based on a 28 day cycle.
I couldn't believe my eyes. I went straight out to DH and showed it to him. He was smiling from ear to ear. It was the most surreal moment in my life.
Funny enough, even after all that, I still spent the rest of the day looking for reassurance and wondering if this was really happening to us.
Tomorrow morning we go for our blood test and then we will know for sure. No more questions...we will be 110% sure.
1 more sleep and our lives could change forever!!!!!
Thursday morning was the first test I did. Sadly it was a big fat negative (BFN). Surprisingly, I wasn't too phased because I thought it might still be too early for a home pregnancy test(HPT) to pick up anything. Friday morning, same thing (BFN), and by now I was starting to get worried.
It was my mum's birthday on Fri, and my entire family was here from PMB so we decided to give her a surprise party. It was such a fantastic night. Everybody had tons of fun and most importantly, they managed to take my mind off that mornings result.
My sister has a 3 month old daughter and when we were chatting, before she came up to JHB, she mentioned that she still had a HPT with her from when she was testing in January. Of course I told to her bring it with her and on Saturday morning I tested again.
This time I got a very feint second line. I immediately called her upstairs to have a look, just to make sure I was not seeing things or imagining the second line. She saw it too. I wanted to get excited but just couldn't...not yet. I even decided to not tell my DH as I didn't want to get his hopes up until I, myself, was sure.
Sunday was excruciating. I was dying to test again but had no more HPT's with me. Later that afternoon, we went to fetch my mum from my cousin's place, and bring her home with us, and I managed to convince DH to take me to the pharmacy.
We walked over to the tests and lo and behold there it was, I couldn't believe it....The Clearblue digital home pregnancy test. I just told DH abt it a few months earlier but couldn't find it anywhere. It was quite popular amongst the American girls and so I was thrilled to finally get one of my very own.
Because I knew I wouldn't be able to wait until the next morning I also bought a regular Clearblue test, just for good measure...LOL
Back home and straight upstairs. Would you believe, there it was again...a feint second line but definitely darker than the day before. This time I took it downstairs and showed it to DH and my mum. They both could see the second line. My hands started shaking like a leaf. Once again there was this feeling of excitement trying to rear it's head while doubt kinda pushed it back down again. I could see that DH felt the same way. I guess we were just protecting ourselves from getting hurt and after all that we had just been through, nobody could really blame us.
What I was looking forward to, however, was the digital test the next morning. There would be no wondering if it is a second line or if you are seeing things. It would be clear as day "PREGNANT" or "NOT PREGNANT".
That night I hardly slept. I was so anxious and kept waking up at all hours checking the time, anxiously awaiting 5am when my alarm would go off and it would be time to test. When it finally did go off, I was out of bed like a flash of lightning. Straight into the bathroom and away we gooooo...
I must have been in there like 1 minute when DH shouts from the bedroom "What's the result?". That's when I knew he was as nervous as I was...LOL
3 minutes later I looked over and there it was "PREGNANT 1-2" (Meaning 1-2 weeks) which they say would be calculated as 3-4 weeks by a doctor, based on a 28 day cycle.
I couldn't believe my eyes. I went straight out to DH and showed it to him. He was smiling from ear to ear. It was the most surreal moment in my life.
Funny enough, even after all that, I still spent the rest of the day looking for reassurance and wondering if this was really happening to us.
Tomorrow morning we go for our blood test and then we will know for sure. No more questions...we will be 110% sure.
1 more sleep and our lives could change forever!!!!!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
The Eagles have landed :-)
Tuesday morning, once again, we were at Vitalab bright and early. We were so excited that sitting in the waiting room for 15 minutes felt like an eternity.
Finally we were ushered into Dr J's office where we sat and discussed our embryo's and the procedure. Dr J assured us that we had two perfect embryo's. One was already divided to 8 cells and the other 9 cells so he was quite pleased. He showed us pics and even e-mailed me a copy.
8 CELL EMBRYO
9 CELL EMBRYO
He went on to explain that the embryo's are in a little casing. He said that by Thurs or Fri they would have split to 120 cell and that is when they break out of this casing and implant. The next step was to go downstairs to the theatre and fill up my bladder.
Now this was a mission. I was so anxious to go in and get this done that I drank the first 3 glasses in record time. The problem with this was my tummy got really full and I started to feel nauseous. I told the nurse that I felt like my bladder was full so in we went. I lay on the table, hubby by my side, and the nurse put a cold gel onto my tummy. Then she did an ultrasound and only to find that my bladder was NOT full enough and I needed to drink more. She said that I did't need to drink too much more because the other water is probably still filtering through to my bladder...LOL
Back to the waiting room and one more glass was all I could manage before I really felt the need to Wee. So, off to the theatre we go and this time she says it is perfect. Nice and full.
I cannot even explain how uncomfortable I was. Dr J started the procedure by inserting a catheter into the uterus. The lab staff then bring the embryo's through in another softer catheter and insert it through the one already there. DH and I are told to watch the screen closely as the embryo's are injected. There was a bright flash and that was it. My potential children were inside me, safe and sound. The lab staff then put the catheter under a microsope to make sure nobody got left behind.
I had to go back to waiting room now and sit there for 10minutes with an extremely full bladder. Seriously??? I didn't think I was going to make it...hehe
So now we were given all the meds I will need to take as well as our testing date.
23 November 2010 ~~~The day that our lives may change forever~~~
Finally we were ushered into Dr J's office where we sat and discussed our embryo's and the procedure. Dr J assured us that we had two perfect embryo's. One was already divided to 8 cells and the other 9 cells so he was quite pleased. He showed us pics and even e-mailed me a copy.
8 CELL EMBRYO
9 CELL EMBRYO
He went on to explain that the embryo's are in a little casing. He said that by Thurs or Fri they would have split to 120 cell and that is when they break out of this casing and implant. The next step was to go downstairs to the theatre and fill up my bladder.
Now this was a mission. I was so anxious to go in and get this done that I drank the first 3 glasses in record time. The problem with this was my tummy got really full and I started to feel nauseous. I told the nurse that I felt like my bladder was full so in we went. I lay on the table, hubby by my side, and the nurse put a cold gel onto my tummy. Then she did an ultrasound and only to find that my bladder was NOT full enough and I needed to drink more. She said that I did't need to drink too much more because the other water is probably still filtering through to my bladder...LOL
Back to the waiting room and one more glass was all I could manage before I really felt the need to Wee. So, off to the theatre we go and this time she says it is perfect. Nice and full.
I cannot even explain how uncomfortable I was. Dr J started the procedure by inserting a catheter into the uterus. The lab staff then bring the embryo's through in another softer catheter and insert it through the one already there. DH and I are told to watch the screen closely as the embryo's are injected. There was a bright flash and that was it. My potential children were inside me, safe and sound. The lab staff then put the catheter under a microsope to make sure nobody got left behind.
I had to go back to waiting room now and sit there for 10minutes with an extremely full bladder. Seriously??? I didn't think I was going to make it...hehe
So now we were given all the meds I will need to take as well as our testing date.
23 November 2010 ~~~The day that our lives may change forever~~~
Monday, November 8, 2010
I LOVE this Poem
Please note this poem was not posted with the intention of offending anyone who conceived without effort. It is just special to me.
I Will be a wonderful Mother ~ Author Unknown
There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense, that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
YES, I WILL BE A WONDERFUL MOTHER...
I Will be a wonderful Mother ~ Author Unknown
There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense, that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
YES, I WILL BE A WONDERFUL MOTHER...
Fertilisation Update
We were told that we will get a call on Sunday and Monday to update us on how the embryo's are coming along.
Well Sunday morning, at 9am sharp, the embryologist called. She said that one egg was immature and one didn't take at all.
The other 2 FERTILISED!!!!!
One through ICSI and the other without.
Woohooo!!!!!!!!
Monday morning, 9am sharp, another call. This time to let us know we have 2 beautiful 6 cell embryo's ready to be implanted the next morning.
I am so stinking excited. I cannot wait for my 2 embabies to be put back safely into their mama bear.
Well Sunday morning, at 9am sharp, the embryologist called. She said that one egg was immature and one didn't take at all.
The other 2 FERTILISED!!!!!
One through ICSI and the other without.
Woohooo!!!!!!!!
Monday morning, 9am sharp, another call. This time to let us know we have 2 beautiful 6 cell embryo's ready to be implanted the next morning.
I am so stinking excited. I cannot wait for my 2 embabies to be put back safely into their mama bear.
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