Almost halfway through 2012!!!

I cannot believe how fast the months are flying by. I know that time waits for no man but shew, this is ridiculous.

So, we are almost halfway there and this year so far has, as usual, been a emotional rollercoaster Luckily though, on a much smaller scale than the previous 2 years.

We are still staying as far away as possible from anything baby related. We are actually doing quite well. The only issue I am currently dealing with is server pain which I suspect is my endo. I think it's back with a vengeance and I just hope it doesn't make my life a living hell like it has in the past. I have an appointment with my FS next week and I'll hear what he has to say then.

Infertility aside, life has been nothing short of perfect. DH and I are doing great. Our marriage is stronger than ever. My 2 furbabies are the light of my life. My heart literally swells when I am with them. They are just so damn precious, with the biggest personalities and also super spoilt. My MIL always says that my dogs have very blessed souls. She says that they must have done really good things in their previous lives if their Karma landed them in my care. Awww...that is such a precious thought.

DH and I are counting the months down. We cannot wait for this year to be over and for December to arrive because we just recently booked our Christmas Vacay.

We will be jetting of to Italy and Paris for 2 glorius weeks. Venice, Florence, Rome (where will be spending Christmas) and finally Paris. This is my dream vacation and I am so excited to experience it with my soul mate and the love of my life. It's going to be so romantic and just an overall blast.

I am trying to live by the motto:

"Infertility is a drag but my life doesn't have to be"

Luigi and Bella

Wow...it's been a while!!!

I have really missed blogging. It's been an awesome few months. Holidays, work, weekend getaways...I've hardly had time to think babies. "Hardly" being the operative word.

For a while there I was doing REALLY well. DH and I were busy planning our first overseas holiday, which we will embark on in December. I am dying to share our plans but have promised DH that I won't say a word until everything is booked and paid for :-(

That kept me occupied for a while and I must say, I was stress free and blissfully happy.

Unfortunately, it didn't last long...

In recent weeks, I have been thinking more and more about our seemingly hopeless situation. I am back to torturing myself on the internet and spending hours and hours thinking about everything we've been through and what we can do going forward.

The truth is though, I have no idea what can be done. Our last conversation with our FS ended with him telling us that we can try 1 more IVF and then we will have to consider moving over to Donor Eggs.

"Donor Eggs"

Those 2 simple words have been giving me nightmares for weeks and weeks. I have gone over it in my head so many times but I am still so super confused. I know that my DH and I decided from the start that if we cannot have children that are genetically tied to both of us, then we will move on from this.

But now the more I think about it, the more I seem to be justifying why we should at least explore the option of donor eggs. I justify it in my head and then 10min's later, I have, once again, talked myself out of it.

I have so fallen off the wagon. I try not to speak to DH about anything baby related. I mean, we did mutually decide to take this year off from it. But sometimes, I just can't help myself. I bring it and up and then as soon as I see his reaction, I immediately regret it.

Men are programmed very different than women. I cannot just switch it off. I wish I could, but it hasn't happened yet. My DH has been amazing from the very beginning of this journey, but because he is a man, and because think about it so differently, I sometimes feel like I have to deal with my emotions all by myself. I mean, I can try to explain how I feel and what I am going through inside, until I am blue in the face, but will he ever really get it???

The past few days have been really hard on me. I feel like I am dying inside. Like every month that we are not pregnant, a part of my soul is being torn away.

Every night I pray that tomorrow will be a better day!!!

Update

I have been so out of touch and so bad about updating my blog that I have to apologise to my friends who actually read it. Things have just been hectic and as we draw closer to the end of another year, my weekends seem to be filling up super fast.

DH and I are still in a really good space in our marriage and just our every day lives. We have made the decision to take the whole of the next year off from anything baby related and we will approach the subject of treatments again in 2013. Knowing this, stops me from obsessing over it and this has really helped me to get on with my life.

We just celebrated our 2yr anniversary 3 weeks ago and we managed to get away for the weekend. I was lucky enough to win a competition that I entered through Getaway Magazine. A 2 night stay with dinner, bed and breakfast at Valley Lodge in Magaliesberg.

The place was stunning and we had an amazing time. We managed to relax quite a bit and caught up on some much needed sleep. Waking up at 4:30 every morning with my early bird babies can really takes it's toll on me.

I have another 4 weeks of work and then it's time for our annual shutdown and 3 and a half glorious weeks of vacation, which starts with a cruise to the Portuguese Islands. I can't wait!!!

After that, it's Christmas in PMB with our families and then back to Jozie for the New Year, my birthday and some R & R.

As much as I have come to terms with every hand that we have been dealt, I continue to pray EVERY DAY for a miracle. I will never lose faith. I believe that my day will come, and when it does, I will be ready :-)

My Nieces 1st Birthday

My niece turned 1 on the 31st of August and my sister had the party in Howick in KZN. Here are a few pics I took at the party.

New Addition to our little Family :-)

This one is of the fur variety...

I am so excited to introduce you to BELLA!!!!!



DH agreed to let us extend our fur family after our last failed IVF and honestly, it was the best thing ever. I love this little baby to bits and even Luigi loves having a new playmate. The 2 get along like a house on fire.

I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to update my blog. Things have just been really crazy with work and the new addition.

The good news is that I am in a really good space in my life right now. I have dealt with my IF and have come to terms with the reality of our situation. Since doing that my life has been amazing. My marriage has also never been better. Without any added emotional and financial stress we have been able to just be us. We plan holidays and visit friends and spend loads of time playing with our furbabies. So therapeutic.

For now, we are happy with the way things are going so we gonna just keep it this way. My life is no longer consumed by my infertility and I think I wanna keep it that way for as long as I can.

Here are some more pics of my angels...

Bella (9weeks)

Luigi (Furball)

Eating their chew sticks

It wasn't meant to be...

It's taken me over a week to bring myself to write this post. I felt like putting it down here would make it all so real. But I can't put it off any longer.

Last week Monday we got the bad news that one of our eggs was immature and the other fertilised but didn't split.

Both DH and I were very disappointed but I handled it much better than I thought I would at the time. Only afterwards, when I had time to sit and think about it, that's when it really hit home.

I've had some time to think about it and I have made my peace with the situation. We still have options but for now we will take a break and try and enjoy the last few months of the year without any pressure to have a baby.

Just me, DH and Luigi...My little family.

Egg Retrieval

Egg retrieval was yesterday morning. We arrived at the clinic at 7am and it was freezing. Probably the coldest morning yet. Luckily the clinic sisters arrive early and put all the heaters on so we warmed up pretty fast. At about 7:30 I was instructed to empty my bladder and was then directed to the room where the egg retrieval would take place. The sisters started me on my intralipid drip while we waited for the doctor. Smartest thing they could have done. That way, I didn't have to sit around after ER and wait for the drip to be administered.

Hubby was allowed in the room with me and kept me company for a bit until the nurse announced that Dr C had arrived. She then administered the first lot of pethidine, and let me tell you something....I DO LOVE ME SOME PETHIDINE...hehe

I just remember feeling REALLY good and then nothing. Hubby thought that I was hilarious. Says he thought I was about to give them the winning lotto numbers. He also tells me that I spoke to Dr C but I don't remember any of it.

All I remember is waking up in the recovery room and asking DH how many eggs we got. The clinic manager who is also Dr C's wife came in and gave us the good news.

We got 2 :-)

She did say that they are small and will have to be grown but I was ecstatic. 2 was way more than I could have ever hoped for.

ICSI is being done on both eggs. Today we were told that one of the eggs was injected late yesterday afternoon and the other this morning. We should get a phone call tomorrow to let us know how fertilisation is progressing.

I can't wait!!!!!!