Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Wow...it's been a while!!!

I have really missed blogging. It's been an awesome few months. Holidays, work, weekend getaways...I've hardly had time to think babies. "Hardly" being the operative word.

For a while there I was doing REALLY well. DH and I were busy planning our first overseas holiday, which we will embark on in December. I am dying to share our plans but have promised DH that I won't say a word until everything is booked and paid for :-(

That kept me occupied for a while and I must say, I was stress free and blissfully happy.

Unfortunately, it didn't last long...

In recent weeks, I have been thinking more and more about our seemingly hopeless situation. I am back to torturing myself on the internet and spending hours and hours thinking about everything we've been through and what we can do going forward.

The truth is though, I have no idea what can be done. Our last conversation with our FS ended with him telling us that we can try 1 more IVF and then we will have to consider moving over to Donor Eggs.

"Donor Eggs"

Those 2 simple words have been giving me nightmares for weeks and weeks. I have gone over it in my head so many times but I am still so super confused. I know that my DH and I decided from the start that if we cannot have children that are genetically tied to both of us, then we will move on from this.

But now the more I think about it, the more I seem to be justifying why we should at least explore the option of donor eggs. I justify it in my head and then 10min's later, I have, once again, talked myself out of it.

I have so fallen off the wagon. I try not to speak to DH about anything baby related. I mean, we did mutually decide to take this year off from it. But sometimes, I just can't help myself. I bring it and up and then as soon as I see his reaction, I immediately regret it.

Men are programmed very different than women. I cannot just switch it off. I wish I could, but it hasn't happened yet. My DH has been amazing from the very beginning of this journey, but because he is a man, and because think about it so differently, I sometimes feel like I have to deal with my emotions all by myself. I mean, I can try to explain how I feel and what I am going through inside, until I am blue in the face, but will he ever really get it???

The past few days have been really hard on me. I feel like I am dying inside. Like every month that we are not pregnant, a part of my soul is being torn away.

Every night I pray that tomorrow will be a better day!!!